Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome. Tonight’s guest is Miss Alia Bhatt, the daughter of Bollywood producer-director Mahesh Bhatt. A few days ago, Alia went over to our rival show Koffee with Karan where she was made to look stupid because she could not name the President of India correctly. Now, the cyberspace is full of “Alia-is-so dumb” jokes!. We have invited her to our show so that we may restore her bruised image. She is not just a pretty face! Einstein would have loved a daughter like her. So, without any further delay…
(Alia comes on the stage riding her push bike to thunderous applause from the audience.) Bhushan: Why are you on your bike?
Alia: Your text message said “Get on your bike as soon as you get my message”. So here I am, on my bike. Bhushan: Good girl! Please take a seat. As you know, during this show, you will get to eat kulfi and will also take home a hamper of yummy kulfis. It’s all on the house!
Alia: On the house? You want me to get on to the roof? But I am afraid of heights!!
Bhushan: Relax Alia. Let’s get cracking. On the rival show you blundered and said that the President of India was Prithviraj Chauhan. Can you now make amends and let the world know who the President of India is?
Alia: Of course! It is so very easy to get mixed up with surnames. The President of India is not Prithviraj Chauhan but Prithviraj Kapoor! Simple! Can you please ask me other general knowledge questions such as who is sleeping with whom in Bollywood? Please!
On Bollywood and Life
Bhushan: Being the daughter of Mahesh Bhatt did it hamper, in any way, your attempt to break into Bollywood?
Alia: Are you kidding me? The sons & daughters of Bollywood personalities get free & direct entry into Bollywood. It is our birth right. The rest have to work their butts off. We are born with the Bollywood gene in us which pre-qualifies us for this purpose. But in my opinion, this can be a curse for us because we are unable to pursue other noble things in life. Life is not kind!
Bhushan: Did you want to do something else instead of Bollywood?
Alia: Yes. It is my burning desire to bring about world peace!
Bhushan: But that’s the job for Miss World & Miss Universe!
Alia: I had also wanted to uplift poor kids in Africa
Bhushan: Why Africa? There are enough opportunities in India
Alia: Oh no! Not after Slumdog Millionaire. Nowadays, every Indian slum is teeming with millionaires. Besides, it is fashionable to work in Africa just like Angelina Jolie, my role model
On Indian Politics
Bhushan: Allow me to ask you a question in Indian politics. Why did the Aam Aadmi Party fail so miserably in the recent elections?
Alia: For three reasons. Reason one. They should not have chosen aam (mango) as their symbol. Mangoes are very expensive fruits. This gave the impression that they represented only the rich people, which did not go down well with the poor, who voted against them. They should have gone with aaloo (potato) or pyaz (onion) instead. Secondly, they alienated the women voters by preferring only aadmi (men). Finally, the entire selfie-generation with their mobile phones, Facebook & Twitter accounts, was angered to know that they were not actually holding any parties at all. No parties, but you call yourself a Party? This is so misleading.
Bhushan: Let’s get on to the rapid fire questions. Are you ready? Who is called the Father of the Nation?
Alia: Amitabh Bachhan
Bhushan: Who is the coach of the Indian women’s hockey team?
Alia: Shah Rukh Khan
Bhushan: Who wrote, Vande Mataram?
Alia: AR Rehman
Bhushan: Name one Hindu God
Alia: Sachin Tendulkar, the God of cricket
Bhushan: Which doctor do you go to when you are sick?
Alia: Dr. Munnabhai
Bhushan: What is the capital of India?
Bhushan: Your favourite Indian food?
Bhushan: What comes next: Pani Puri, Sev Puri, ……..
Alia: Amrish Puri
Bhushan: Who invented idli-vada-sambar?
Alia: Rajnikant uncle
Bhushan: Which came first, chicken or egg?
Alia: Chicken. Last night I ordered tandoori chicken & egg fry in a restaurant. They served the chicken first Bhushan: If you are too open-minded, then …..
Alia: Your brains will fall out?
Bhushan: Man is to woman, as fish is to….
Bhushan: Who is the President of India?
(At this point, Alia faints and has to be carried away from the stage on a stretcher.)
Bhushan: Sorry about the way the show has ended folks. Looks like the rapid fire question session has shut down Alia’s brain cells. Our guest for the next episode is Sunny Leone, the porn star turned Bollywood celebrity. So, don’t miss it. Take care. Salaam-Namaste! Good night!